euphoria ♥

53 : talk.

I’m here with my roommate in my room (duh) and typing this after a long while of wondering what to write. I’ve been procrastinating on writing a “me on my take on 2009” post. I’ve so much to say, but just couldn’t bring myself to write a single thing! So at 11.02 pm of 30th December, 2009… I’m going to write a long-ass evaluation on my year.

The year started with me getting pretty frisky. I got pretty wild…got drunk and kissed a guy randomly (oh I know the dude, so yeah :P), and felt like a total idiot after that. Then it’s a lot of going out and having fun after my STPM, and just being really, really free.

And I was struggling with the whole ex-boyfriend issue, woman decided to give me a hand. We went on a double date (arranged-purposefully-acted-as-unarranged-date) at Times Square in February. And me and the ex … we kissed. And I struggled like crazy for about a month.. and decided to let him go.

Difficult month, but t’was good, because after a year and 3 months or so, I finally could let him go.

Then there was a guy by the name of.. oh let’s just call him N (*wink*)…got through some real crazy issues. Nothing major happened, just a real painful lesson on how fragile a girl’s virginity can be. Thank God He preserved me. He really, really did preserve me. Nothing else but Him, because I was THIS close to losing myself to a guy I barely know.

Still, I did not learn my lesson. I got into University shortly after, thought that life would be protected and good.. till I met B. He made me fall head over heels over him; and we kissed on our 2nd date. He was attached, and attractive. I don’t know what got into the puny head of mine, but yeah I was smitten. Heck, we only went out 4 times. And I put my integrity into question. I allowed myself to wreck myself in every single emotional way. I allowed him to dictate my actions, emotions and thought.. well- he didn’t do anything but by just kissing me, and touching me the way he shouldn’t is enough. It’s just enough to handle my thought life and mess it up. But hey, I allowed it. Fault’s mine.

Then a friend came in to help…but got herself into that web. I somehow lost a friend on the first day of my finals. She was practically my everything at that time; a woman whom I thought is my soulmate. Who loves me as I am, who cares and understands why I do certain things; and trusts my intuitions. And allows me to make my mistakes.

But like every other friendship that was put to test, this one wasn’t exceptional. It’s one of the biggest test ever for this year…and my heart shattered into pieces. And there I was, fighting back tears, till my best friend Cadbury came to get me, and I called my pastor..and I cried like I never did. Cadbury never, in her 10 years of knowing me, saw me cry the way I did. She was beyond shocked, she was frightened. I cried like I never did, I hurt like I never did that year.

And while all these were happening, I’d to prepare to head to Spain. There were conflicts, arguments, anger… authorities. God- the list won’t end there, given time to write.

Being where I was then..the whole year would seem gloomy, it was; but then came God in the picture. He took in the pain I had, and I asked for His grace; and there it was, freely-given. I got through all the pain, the hurts pretty easily; because there He was, right at the meeting point for me.

This year, I found a church I grew spiritually in; and met many awesome people. Am discipled, and I’ve great accountability partners to account for my life now. I grew in faith, and I believe, in my love for Him who is Above all. I grew in my ability to let go and let God; I allowed Him to work in my life.

And as I got more disillusioned with the amount of jerks men I’ve met, I met him. We’re not together in any way, but he brought me a confidence, that God’s telling me that good men still DO exist. Men who rises up to the occasion, men who’re in LOVE with Him. He’s awesome, he makes me happy, gets me excited whenever we talk..but above all, I love his heart for God. I love looking at him, love it when he smiles, when he laughs, when he gets all super lame with the stupid words said… but most of all, I love his heart for God.

I’m on a fast from dating, and I got myself into enough trouble with guys. And I’m not considering anything with him at all, and I’m just thankful God brought him to be just part of my life at the moment.

And you know what, in the pain I faced, especially nearing my finals and I couldn’t study much, I got a GPA of 3.95/4. Now, isn’t GOD amazing?

Then there was Spain. Prayers were answered, He’s amazing. He brought all of us here..safely; I struggled with loneliness like crazy, but when I allowed it to, He spoke.

My God, is an amazing God.

2009 was overall, shitty.

But it was also victorious, and grace rained from Heaven.

He allowed me to see who He is in the most difficult moments; and He taught me to love when it’s the toughest to. He redeemed me.

and year 2009, is a year when I see the real goodness of God.. for real.

He became flesh, this year to me.

Thank You, Lord; for 2009.